Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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