Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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