Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You brought string cheese to the strip club
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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