Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
