Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
