she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
