No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
