The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
