I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
