go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
