just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
