fuck your aforementioned shoe
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
