dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
