I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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