You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
