i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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