I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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