New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
