Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize