When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
