i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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