My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize