I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
