That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
