oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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