I should be sponsored by Trojan
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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