i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
