my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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