Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
