Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
