They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
