God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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