If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
