so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
