I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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