dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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