I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize