He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
