Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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