I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She bit a glass in half.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize