I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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