She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
