I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
