I can text with my tongue
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
