remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
