I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
