Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
