quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
