you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It's like God shit irony all over that family
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
