Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
