I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think i peed on brittanys purse
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
