the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
