so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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