I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
