I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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