Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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