This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
