you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
